scared.

dear blog,

so i graduated from college and that was great, but since then i've been doing pretty much nothing and i wasn't sure what has been holding me back. and as everything around me changes, i am left wondering, what is wrong with me? i don't think i'm depressed or anything, but i really do think a LOT about what i am supposed to be doing and how i'm supposed to go about doing that. i feel like i am in such a limbo right now and my life has no structure or consistency. there is nothing to spark change and i have little motivation to change anything. and the truth is, if i wanted to be doing something, i could be. i have always been blessed with success, but lately i have been so petrified by fear that i just have no desire to even try. and i know that nothing will ever happen (good or bad) if i don't at least make an attempt, but the idea of doing anything (moving away, getting a better paying job, taking the GRE,) is mortifying to me! when did this happen? when did i become so afraid of living life?

and the reason i haven't brought this up in the past is because i have justified all of my non-goings on. "i'm babysitting, and i want to be a mom when i grow up, so it's like an internship." "i don't pay rent, so i don't need money for a real job." "i like living at home with my family." "i am happy."  and while these are all partly true, for the most part they are just a mask. excuses for why i wouldn't have to buck up and live up to my potential.

but here's the thing, blog, i'm not scared anymore.
(okay, that's not true, i am terrified,) but i have made a decision that i am not going to hide anymore.
i have decided that i am going to (try to) move away. to the east coast. new york, actually. and be a live-in, full-time, honest-to-goodness, nanny.

cue shocked/excited faces.
thank you, thank you very much.

love,
rochelle